


Snake Milk

by mandysimo13



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Comedy, Crack Fic, I have no excuse for this, M/M, absurd conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 21:51:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20181292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandysimo13/pseuds/mandysimo13
Summary: Aziraphale is confused on just what exactly the phrase "snake milking" actually means.





	Snake Milk

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sfumatosoup](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sfumatosoup/gifts).

> This is entirely because Sfumatosoup is a menace and she gives me hilarious crack prompts. She is 100% the inspiration for this and I hope that we could make you laugh just as hard as we made ourselves laugh with this. Enjoy!

Because of the vast library and personal knowledge contained within the vast gooey cloud that serves as a brain within Principality Aziraphale, it would be safe to assume that the angel knew a lot about a variety of topics. And while that was certainly true, he also had a tendency to specialize and prioritize his knowledge to things that were related to his interests. And for the last several thousand years Aziraphale’s interests have been food, books, music, and more food. 

He has definitely skimmed across topics ranging from apothecary to zoology and kept little interesting tidbits that he could pepper into casual conversation. However, there were also huge gaps in his knowledge base and while he could usually fib and fake his way through a conversation above his capabilities sometimes those gaps lead to embarrassing, and later hilarious, conversations. 

One such conversation occurred one morning while Aziraphale was cooking breakfast. 

It’s been ninety days since the failed apocalypse and 80 days since Aziraphale and Crowley finally decided that even an immortal life was too short to pretend that they didn’t love each other. The pair had become inseparable and Crowley had moved in immediately, preferring Aziraphale’s comfortable, cluttered, homey nest to his own stark lair. His plants mingled among the books and his own pillows and blankets spread across their own bed. He was even kind enough to provide them with a brand new room, a fully functional kitchen, so that they could cook for each other and Aziraphale could indulge in breakfast in bed during Crowley’s longer naps. 

Life was great. 

And then the angel opened his big mouth. 

“Oh dear,” the angel said with a pout, looking into the fridge. 

“What’s the matter, angel?” Crowley leaned against the counter, nursing a cup of coffee. Still in his pajamas and rumpled from sleep, he had no intention of rushing his morning. 

“Looks like we’re out of milk.” 

“Seems an easy enough fix. Why not just magic up some more? Heaven ain’t keeping score over your “frivolous miracles” anymore.” 

Aziraphale turned away from the fridge, holding an empty carton in his hand. “I suppose I could but you know that nothing miracled into being ever tastes as good as something done the natural way.” 

Crowley snorted into his mug, “s’not what you said last night.” 

“Hush, you,” Aziraphale said, blushing. Then he gestured with the empty carton and said, “and what sort of savage puts the empty container back after they’ve finished it, hmm?” He thunked it down on the counter and folded his arms, leaning against it huffily. 

Crowley knew exactly what kind of savage did such a thing.  _ He _ was the savage in question. He did have certain appearances to keep, after all. Even if hell wasn’t keeping score either, it didn’t do to get rusty in the mischief department. Instead, he said, “what can I do for you angel? Want me to conjure it myself? Go out and milk a cow myself?” 

Aziraphale perked up at that. “Now that you mention it, there is something you can do for me?”

Crowley looked fondly on him and cupped his cheek. “Whatever you need, angel.” 

“Why don’t you give me some of  _ your _ milk?” 

Crowley blinked. “I’m sorry, what?” 

“Some of your milk, dearest.” 

“I...I think that’s the milk I bought last we went to shops and as you can see we’re out so I don’t really know what you-”

“Just go all snake-like and milk yourself.”

Crowley spluttered and took a step back, suddenly very confused and a little horrified. “WHAT?!”

“Oh, I didn’t think you would be all sensitive about it. But I suppose we all have things we’re sensitive about. Never you mind, love, it was just a thought.” 

“WHAT IN THE BLAZES ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ANGEL?!”

“Well, I only thought-”

“Yes, please explain your thought process here!” 

“Well…” Aziraphale, suddenly looking like he had definitely missed or misinterpreted something, wringed his hands nervously and looked down at his feet. “I once heard that you could milk a snake and thought that’s something that you would be capable of, too. Or is it different for you? Because you’re...you know...a demon snake?”

Crowley blinked several times, trying to get his brain and mouth to catch up with everything he had just heard. When he finally processed he asked, very patiently, “angel. In your entire 6000 years of existence. In all the places you’ve traveled and all the snakes you’ve seen, myself included, have you ever. In your life. Seen a snake lactate?” 

Aziraphale thought about it for a moment and said, “well, now that you mention it. I haven’t.” 

“That’s because snakes do not lactate, Aziraphale! Snakes aren’t crawling around on their bellies, sprouting nipples! They don’t even feed their young! They just watch em hatch and send them on their marry way! No nipples!” 

Aziraphale looked on him with interest. “Really? Interesting.” Then he looked confused and asked, “then what does “snake milking” mean?” 

Crowley rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands feeling profoundly silly and embarrassed having to explain it. In an exasperated voice he said, “it means extracting venom, angel.” 

“Oh! Oh, that does make a lot more sense. I had always wondered.”

“You have the internet now! Why’d you never look it up?” 

Aziraphale shrugged. “Never seemed like that knowledge would be relevant.” Then he blushed and hid his face behind his hands. “And now I have egg on my face and you must think me quite a fool.”

Crowley started laughing at the absurdity of the situation. He laughed so hard tears sprung in his eyes and he clutched his belly. 

Aziraphale sniffed. “Really, now. There’s no need for all that.” 

Crowley reached out and pulled Aziraphale into a hug, laughing into the angel’s hair. “You are an absolute fool. You are ridiculous. And with shit like this, you certainly are never a bore.” He kissed the top of his head, soothing the embarrassment away. “I love you, you silly angel. Even if you thought that snakes lactate.”

Aziraphale smacked him lightly in retaliation. “Oh, honestly. How long are you going to hold onto this?” 

Crowley chuckled and pulled back to look down at him. “Well, I think the level of amusement and teasing is directly related to the absurdity of the situation. So in this case, decades.” When Aziraphale pouted he leaned in and planted a quick peck to his lips in apology. “However, what I will do is run down to the shop to get you your bloody milk.” He grinned and added, “squeezed from a cow, of course.” 

He snapped his fingers and his pajamas were replaced with his usual attire. 

“You’re a dove, my dear,” Aziraphale said, kissing him sweetly. 

“And you’re absolutely ridiculous.” He bounded down the stairs and yelled over his shoulder, “be back in a tick, angel! Don’t say anything ridiculous til I get back! Wouldn’t want to miss out.” 

Aziraphale sniffed and binned the empty milk carton. “Hmph, prat.” 

**Author's Note:**

> For all my sins, please don't come @ me for this, lol
> 
> However, please feel free to leave me a comment anyway


End file.
